My Hands
by furude rika.03
Summary: Lightning and Serah's inner thoughts from when Lightning joined the GC up to her 21st birthday. Based on the game's song My Hands. Bad summary but give it a shot. Slight LightningxSerah, as in super slight (might not even be noticeable)


**_Disclaimer:_** I don't own any of the characters as they belong to the awesome Square Enix and character design by Tetsuya Nomura.

 ** _Author's Notes:_** Before you start, I just want to point out how forced this is. You see I've been making song fics (or whatever it is called, point is I make stories based on the game's songs) and realized that I can't make one for My Hands. Okay so I've once came up with a story for this but it revolves around XIII-2 which is weird considering this was used on the first game. So I scratched the idea and made this instead. It may seemed forced but I tried. I think this will be my last fic based on the game's song as I've pretty much done every song there is (Oh wait, how about Sunleth Waterscape? Or New Bohdum? Hmmm...) Anyways moving on...

* * *

 **Lightning's point of view.**

 ** _I wake in the morning, tired of sleeping_**

I got home late last night, not really sure what time it was. The task was demanding but I had to do what needs to be done. The moment I got home, I saw my younger sister sleeping in the couch. She was probably waiting for me. I carried her to her bed, shut the door and went to my room where I collapsed on the bed still in my uniform.

Now I wake up, not sure how long I've slept but I can still feel the strain on my body. Looking at the clock, it says 4:30 in the morning. I was sure I left the for home past 1 already. But I still feel tired of sleeping, maybe I've gotten used to the lack of sleep that it no longer bothers me, or maybe it does i just learned to ignore it now.

 ** _Get in the shower, and make my bed alone._**

Not wanting to wake Serah up, I got in the showers and let the warm wash off my blood tainted hands and sweat-covered body. I soon got out of it and tried to make as little noise as possible in making my bed.

 ** _I put on my make up, talking to the mirror, ready for a new day... Without you._**

Upon getting dress, I looked at mirror and put on my mask. It's not an actual mask, but it is my cover so as to remain strong and dependable, I call it, Lightning. This was the only time of the day that I can be myself, that I don't have to hold back anything, because this is the time that Serah will never see me. She will never see my weak side. So I decided to take my time before being Lightning once more. After minutes of trying to get my composure, I prepare myself as I get ready for a new day without you. It's hard but I'll make it through. But still... Mom, I miss you, I really do.

I got down the breakfast table and prepared us a meal. It wasn't as grand as when Serah cooks it but it was enough considering how bad I am at actually cooking. I sat at the kitchen and awaited my little sister's descent. Soon I heard the door to her room closed and those small steps she made. As she went down the stairs I can't help but smile at the cute face she made, slowly rubbing her eyes as she adjust to the downstairs light.

"Serah, good morning." I greeted her with my seldom cheerful tone. This made me smile even more seeing the surprised look on her face. It made me happy to know she could still smile despite losing both parents at a young age, to lose both parents at the age of twelve is just too much to bare. But she is now seventeen, and by the looks of it, she had gotten over it. Or at least I hope.

 _And I walk steady on my feet, I talk my voice obeys me._

Once we finished our breakfast, I told her to go get ready for school. And once she was, I walked with her. Steadily moving, not wanting to show her my pain. Pain from all the training and missions I do, pain from seeing her grow up an orphan, but most of pain from not getting over our parents death as I still haven't moved on. She tells me her journeys in school, how she was voted as the best student being a straight A student and all, how she didn't even have to study much to ace her test. She then started telling me her problems, it wasn't big no but it was still problems. I wanted to tell her my problems as well, but I wasn't exactly sure how she'll handle. Her world is already fragile as it is, would passing on my burden to her help any of us in any way?

Instead of letting my heart speak, I became rational and listened to mind. I ended up keeping my burdens for me to solve. I helped her overcome her problems, always did, I was always there to help her no matter how menial the task was. But then what she said surprised me. "You know what Claire, you always seem to help me out. Ever since mom died you were there for me. Maybe sometimes, you'd want me to help you out too."

All I did was smile back at her and watch her off as she goes to school.

 ** _I go out at night, sleep without lights._**

I've got myself into another mission, Serah is a growing girl with growing needs. I can't tell her to minimize her needs just so I could slack of a little. Tonight was a mission like any other, except it is near our place. Considering it was still a little early, I went home for a few minutes to tell Serah of my whereabouts. I told her that we were forced to take this late night mission. I lied, but I can't tell her I'm taking this to pay for her needs, she'd feel sad and I don't want that.

At first she objected with my decision, but ended up accepting it. She told me to be careful to which I told her. "Always, I will never leave you."

I go out at night, doing countless late night missions, you see those late night missions are the ones that pays big and it is exactly what we need.

 ** _And I do all the things I had to keeping you off my mind._**

I got home dead tired and didn't even have the time to move about, the moment I enter my room, I just crash down and sleep. To be honest I prefer it this way, I can keep on going, keep on fighting. I didn't want to think, as long as I was fighting nothing else was real. Remembering my mother...it hurts so much. I wanted to run away and to keep on running.

 ** _When I think I'll be alright... I am wrong cause._**

This was pretty much our life now. I didn't wanted to face reality, didn't wanted to face that we are now left to fend for ourselves. Everything will be alright, everything will work out. Soon Serah will graduate and became a teacher she always wanted to be. Soon all our problems will fade away into nothingness. That's what I want to believe, that will be my ultimate goal. But...

 ** _My hands... don't wanna start again._**

 ** _My hands... no they don't wanna understand._**

 ** _My hands...they're just shaking trying to break whatever peace I may find._**

 ** _My hands... they only agree to hold, your hands.. and they don't wanna be without... your hands._**

 ** _And they will not let me go... no they will not let me go._**

Until this day I still haven't gotten over their death. I created Lightning to transfer all the burden, the pain, the hate. I know how much Serah hated Lightning, but every time I tried to get rid of her I can't. The thought of going through it all again, the thought of losing those you cared about. It was just too much to bare.

I don't want to start to again, to start with the sorrow I felt. I know it may seem I gotten over their deaths in mere days, but that was Lightning, she was the one who gotten over it. Claire is still left inside, grieving, unable to express herself.

So I continued on with Lightning as my mask. But when I'm alone, Claire comes out, she cries, grieves, curses, loathes. I tell her that she had to stay strong... for Serah, that she had to be her pillar, that she is the only one who can. But she just wouldn't listen. I shut her out, keeping her in the darkest place. But when I think it's over, she resurfaces and tells me that I haven't gotten over it myself.

I miss my mom, I miss my parents, I kept telling myself how I need to be strong, but I can always see my hands reaching out for them, wanting their love and protection. Wanting Claire to come out. Alone, even Lightning cries.

* * *

 **Serah's point of view.**

 ** _I talk about you now and I do without crying_** _,_

It has almost been six years since you left me. My sister started taking care of me, she is so strong and dependable. Her training doesn't even seem to bother her. When you guys died, it was she who stood up and held us both together so as to move on. I cried late at night only to be comforted by her. Even after a year since mom died, talking about her brings tears in my eyes. I can not hold it in, the grief and sorrow is just too much to handle.

But now, I can talk about you. I can say how proud I am to have parents like you. Though I don't know dad that much, but I do know he died a noble death. I have became stronger, maybe if Claire can see how strong I've gotten, she'll depend on me more and to stop doing everything on her own.

 ** _I go out with my friends now, I stay home all alone._**

I can now go out with my friends, not having to worry about breaking in tears in front of them. I learned to move on and accept what fate had in stored for us. After saying goodbye to them, I go home wanting to tell my day to Claire, but when I got home, she wasn't there. Probably working hard again.

Mom, where ever she is please watch over her and keep her safe. I know she is doing everything she can for us, but sometimes, people needs to rest. For now all I can do is to stay home alone and support her from the sidelines, always praying for her safety.

 ** _And I don't see you everywhere, and I can say your name easily._**

Being alone makes me remember how mom used to treat us like babies. She tended for our every need not once complaining. She made sure we had food on the table, a shelter to live in and pretty much all the things we needed.

I used to be so reliant on my mom that I never realized how hard it must have been for her. When she died, I was too young to accept what just happened. I kept calling her name over and over, each time seeing her come to me only to vanish making me cry harder.

But now I've gotten over it, I can no longer see her. I've accepted her fate and it is time to move on. Now even if I call her name, no one appears. But that doesn't mean I no longer miss her.

 ** _I laugh a bit louder, without you._**

The sadness your death brought had slowly faded away. I can finally laugh and be happy once more. Going out with friends, staying late at night doing my homework. I'm doing the best I can to make you proud, not just you, but dad and of course Claire.

As my mother, I know you wouldn't want me to sulk for the rest of my life over your death. So I will live on to greet a new dawn.

 ** _And I see different shades now, I... I'm almost never afraid now._**

 ** _But when I think I'll be okay, I am always wrong cause._**

When you died my world crumbled, all that I can see was darkness, nothing but pure darkness. Why did the world has to be so cruel towards us? Why did the world, have to take you away? Why? All those questions with no answers. I no longer wanted to move forward, I just wanted to die and be with you. But Claire pulled me up. She held me close and guided me every step of the way. Now I have friends, and people I can count on. The world is shining brightly. I feel like I can face it all, but in the end I am always wrong. I always feel this fear growing inside of me little by little, I kept on trying to shut it out, but it just grows bigger and bigger.

 ** _My hands... don't wanna start again._**

 ** _My hands... no they don't wanna understand_**

 ** _My hands... they're just shaking trying to break whatever peace I may find._**

 ** _My hands... they only agree to hold, your hands.. and they don't wanna be without... your hands_**

 ** _And they will not let me go... no they will not let me go._**

I can only keep on going because I still have my sister's support, I am still under her care. But every time she goes out and does her missions, I'm afraid that she might not come back. That someday, some guys will knock on our door and announce her death. Just thinking about it sends shivers down my spine.

I already lost both my parents, and to lose the last family member I have is just unbearable. I don't want to start again, I don't want to accept the fact that with her job, that future will certainly come someday. I'm sure knowing her, she'd already saved up enough for me in case that actually happened. But money will not cover the fact that she is gone.

I know I shouldn't be thinking of things like this but... Claire, please stay safe. I need you, always and forever.

* * *

 **Lightning's point of view.**

 ** _Sometimes I wait, I see them reaching out for you. Quietly break whatever shields I spent so long building up._**

It took me a while to become the perfect Lightning, to set up the shields and to focus on my ultimate goal shutting out everything else. But when I'm alone I can see Claire tearing down those shields, wanting to express her inner turmoil, wanting someone to comfort her and tell her everything was gonna be alright.

 ** _I can not beg, cause when they cry I'm almost broken, they miss holding my baby._**

I wanted Claire to stop, to beg to keep on standing and being strong. I wanted to beg for her to remain silent and keep everything bottled up. But I can't ask her to. She tells me, "I'm not Lightning, keeping me inside, burying all your problems, and suffering on me. How can you expect me to keep quiet. I'm not you, I'm not strong. Lightning may be cool, dependable and strong on the outside, but inside. Inside she has Claire, and Claire is just an ordinary person with a great burden to bear."

"I know how we have to be strong for Serah, you've already told me that thousands of times, but I can no longer handle it. I miss the love and protection we get from our mother. I miss mom. I was never able to over come this phase because you shut me out before I could do anything."

With Claire's words, I can feel a great pain in me. A pain I shouldn't even face. But she's right, I throw everything to her so that Lightning can remain strong. But deep down, Claire's words stung more than any other.

 ** _My hands...my hands.. No they don't wanna understand... They're just shaking, trying to break whatever peace I may find._**

 ** _My hands, your hands, they don't wanna be without...your hands_**

 ** _And they will not let me go.. no they will not let me go_**

 ** _My hands don't wanna start again... My hands, don't wanna understand. They just shaking trying to break whatever peace I may find._**

 ** _My hands... Only agree to hold.. your hands, and they don't wanna be without your hands._**

 ** _They will not let me go... no they will not let me go._**

Yet, despite the brokenness I feel whenever I beg her to remain silent. I kept on begging and begging, to endure it all. But she just won't listen, she doesn't understand. Deep down I can understand her. All that we want, Claire and Lightning, was to let this burden go. To let out all our emotions, all our problem, to get over our parents deaths.

But now is not the time, Serah isn't ready. Not yet.

I was alone that day, Serah was still in school and won't be back for a while. I went to my room to ponder on a few things. It was now that I realized I could no longer hold everything in. I have to be there for my sister and if I keep on taking missions and running away, one way or another my body will give and that will get me killed leaving Serah alone. I promised to be there for her always, as long as she needs me I'll be there for her.

Unable to suppress my feelings I cried like a child that day, letting out all the emotions I bottled up. Letting Claire out for once, I let her say everything she wanted, do everything she needed. For this time, I was alone, Serah will not see me weak, she will not see us weak. On this day, both Claire cried their eyes out overcoming their parents death. It happened more than five years ago yes, but to us, to me who kept it all in, it was like it just happened yesterday. But it wasn't only my parents death, all the hardships, the pain, and sacrifices we made, we let it all out that day.

But that was until, I heard the door opened. Serah must be home. I quickly wiped my eyes, and shut Claire back inside the dark empty halls of my heart. I washed my face and slowly went down stairs.

With her I saw a blonde guy, wearing a beaning hat and a trench coat. He was NORA's leader and apparently Serah's boyfriend.

I didn't want to ask as to why he was with her, it was my twenty first birthday and Serah probably invited him over to celebrate with us. Serah didn't look like her normal self, she was troubled. She kept on placing her hand over her felt shoulder as if she wanted to tell me something. And when she did, my world crumbled. I couldn't believed what she just said, I didn't wanted to believe. I threatened her/. I roamed the streets to make sure she stayed safe and yet she gets turned into...

That was the day fate once again changed everything. The first time I didn't listened to her problems. I made a mistake, but I will fix it. Tomorrow I will find her, and if I have to give up everything to get her back so be it. Tomorrow, I will face the gods if I have to. Tomorrow, I will get purged.

END

* * *

 ** _Author's Notes:_** That's it, so this is pretty much a back story of the Farron Sister's, I just absolutely love their back story for some reason. What do you guys? Please review and tell me where to improve on. Constructive criticism will be highly appreciated.

I do hope I was successful on pointing out that the end was the day Serah told Lightning she got made to a l'Cie. If not. I suck... I tried to remove the terms from games such as GC, fal'Cie etc but I could think of any other replacement for Purge.

I do hope someone enjoyed this song as I pretty much tore my hair out trying to come up with a story to relate this song. Again reviews please.

'til next time.


End file.
